The case of the missing Freddo is solved

I have now sifted through thousands of pages of evidence regarding the mysterious disappearance of Freddo the Frog. It has been a painstaking task and I will publish my conclusion (along with the name of the culprit) at the end of this.

First, let me introduce you to the prime suspects (in no particular order of GUILT!):

Nanna has been a suspect due to the fact that she gets bored watching rubbish telly apart from Holby and Casualty - oh and Emmerdale, Corrie, Eastenders, Ant 'n Dec, X Factor, Britains Got Talent (not!), Strictly Come Prancing on Mice - to name but a few. It's quite easy to be led into temptation with a quick date with Freddo but her line of defence hangs on the fact that she bought Freddo at the shop. She also says she's given up chocolate for Lent - nanna's words, not grandad's.

Grandad eats too much chocolate - nanna's words, not grandad's - making him a suspect too. Grandad doesn't need to be led into temptation because he leads from the front!!! Now grandad is similar to nanna in terms of rubbish telly during the daytime so it's easy for him to borrow the odd packet of crisps or entire packet of biscuits but he'll buy replacements and devour them too. His defence plea would go with the fact that he wouldn't dare take from his grandson and the fact that he was out at the alleged time of the crime.

Mummy has something stuffed up her jumper and it would be so easy for her to 'hide' any contraband away from prying eyes and sniffer dogs. Mummy would happily share my chocolate between me and her and in doing so, she'd feel guilty not-a-jot. She would sleep easily despite the knowledge that she could deplete my chocolate supplies. Mummy's defence plea would rest on the fact that she wouldn't pinch my chocolate but would openly take it and share it with me.

Daddy is very similar to mummy but wouldn't share my chocolate with me. He would eat my chocolate in front of my very eyes and lick his lips in appreciation that I'm smaller than him and can't do much about it - or so he thinks. Defence in daddy's corner would be the same as mummy but with the lack of sharing. He'd simply say "No Dogg, daddy's chocolate".

Uncle Ryan is currently an outside suspect simply because he doesn't frequent the crime location very often. He stays over sometimes, usually when changing his pants and often takes lunch with him to work which grandad or nanna make because he can't be trusted with sharp items. The lack of appearance and the lack of knowing where the goodies are kept would help Uncle Ryan's defence.

Millie quite simply wouldn't do such a dastardly deed because she's a dog and can't reach the cupboard anyway. Her main defence would be the reliable fact that she doesn't like chocolate because it makes her puke.

The first thing anyone knew about this crime was when grandad put an empty Quavers packet in the bin in Thursday afternoon. He doesn't usually put the rubbish in the bin like that but he was getting ready to put the biggy bin out for the rubbish men on Friday. The rubbish men used to work for the council but this year they work at Old Trafford. The strange thing is that he ALWAYS puts the biggy bin out on Friday mornings so why the change? What's he hiding?

Through my thorough research, I think it's safe to say that mummy and daddy - despite their obvious disregard for chocolate rules - are not prime suspects at the moment but they may be brought in for questioning at a later date. I'm afraid the same can't be said for nanna. Nanna has to be THE main suspect even though she said she's given up chocolate for lending. She is obviously prone to falling for temptation of all things lovely as she married grandad and this will not go in her favour with The Beak (that's legal talk for The Judge). It would be easy for her to 'borrow' Freddo and then hope that nobody notices and it can be easily passed off as "You must've given them all to Dogg but you can't remember" thus using the old fellas fading memory as an effective weapon for innocence. Nanna is now equal number one suspect.

I've tried to get the thought of my Uncle Ryan devouring my chocolate out of my napper but I have nagging doubts about it. Uncle Ryan is very funny and I love him dearly but I think my love may be blinding me from some serious concerns. He could easily be tempted to befriend Freddo and lead him astray. He would also, my all due respect, not think about where he chucks Freddo's wrapper and this could be his downfall. Nanna and grandad would be more careful and would dispose of libellous items accordingly. This careless action puts Uncle Ryan in the frame too.

My dear old smooth topped friend is unlikely to be brought to count on Freddo's disappearance. Whilst grandad's love of chocolate is well known around the world, he would treat this as a 'last Rolo' situation and he would never, do you hear everybody, NEVER sink to the depths of the lowest of low. However another nagging thought comes into my head. Whilst undoubtedly not guilty of this crime, my attention turns to the way he found the evidence of Freddo. The Quavers packet to be precise. This wouldn't be a a Quavers packet from MY stash would it? And of Freddo's brother (or sisters, I can't tell the difference), what became of them? I never had all of them so 'somebody' has more knowledge of their whereabouts. Another one to be brought in for further questioning.

To summarise my investigations, I can conclude that mummy, daddy and grandad are all NOT GUILTY. The reason for this is simple. We have a fession from an anonymous person - Nanna. Her plea goes like this: "Actually, I took Freddo (can't get any clearer than that!!!!) but I done it in good faith and as a good deed. I took the last Freddo and placed him in Uncle Ryan's lunchbox for work". It's worth noting at this point that Uncle Ryan is just over 25 and a quarter and for him to have a Freddo the Frog kiddies chocolate in his lunchbox would render him liable to excessive ridicule from his older workmates, nanna needs to think more carefully.

Nanna's fession has now made Uncle Ryan the 'receiver of stolen goods' and he is just as guilty AND in a message to us on Friday, Uncle Ryan stated he was "Guilty as charged" and so proud he seemed about it. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound!!!

That's it, two guilty parties and plenty of excuses topped by this very poor one "But I bought the packet of Freddo's". Nanna and Uncle Ryan, this is a callous criminal act and you are both lower than a snakes belly (and that's LOW). I have to say that there is another packet of Freddo's in grandad's cupboard along with chocolate stars and buttons (which grandad never even knew were there). My heartache is short lived and I'm keen to get back to grandad's on Monday even if just to check Freddo's there.

Laters

Judge Dogg