INSPECTION DAY SHOCK!!!

When grandad came to get me yesterday, he was met at the door by my aching daddy. Daddy and Uncle Steve are recovering from their sponsored 40-mile bike ride on Sunday but we're all really proud of them. Mummy was staying at home today because we are having a new carpet thrown down the stairs.

We got back to grandads house and he got me to decorate a funny looking cup thing but after I'd finished and I must say so myself, it looked proper good (that’s street talk). We settled down for a little snack and read some books with Millie. She wasn't that bothered but me and grandad had lots of giggles before we were rudely interrupted by a knock at the door. There at the door was a big teddy dressed in hat and glasses with a big folder and a not so big smile - it was the sOf-Ted inspector!!!

"Hello, Mr Grandad. This is an unannounced visit. I'm from sOf-Ted and I've come to inspect your premises to see if you're up to scratch", he said.

"No worries", said the old fella as he let him in.

He's come to look over our 'school' to see if we were performing to a satisfactory standard. He looked straight at Millie who was running around trying to chase him and then he started writing on his pad with some ticks and crosses whilst mumbling away to himself.He walked into the garden and took a look at my kitchen in the little house, scratched his head then wandered over to our splashy water butt and scratched his head again. After more ticks (no crosses) later, he came in had said he'll sit quietly in the corner to watch what we were doing. He was right because he never said a word, in fact he never really said a word all day.

He sat down with Millie and had a long chat with her about what we all get up to. And then he said to grandad that he wanted to look at the books so grandad gave him Elma the Heffalump and two books about playing outside and at home. The sOf-Ted man then sat down, read them all and then had a cup of tea before writing his report.

His report:

• The ‘school’ is a tad smaller than normal schools in the area but it provides all of its pupil with outstanding educational opportunities across a wide range of activities. Their cakes and biscuits are to die for and are absolutely scrummy. The homlettes are out of this world but grandad doesn’t butter the toast very well when he does it as he leaves the corners out.

• The ‘school’ is located in a very quiet area but has a higher than average proportion of cats living in the same road. Frogs are also in abundance and you have to be careful when taking Millie out at night with no shoes on (grandad’s shoes not Millies).

• English as a first language is roughly 100% and the pupil comes from a White English background although Millie is from the West Highlands.

• The proportion of pupils eligible for ‘school’ meals is 100%, which is way above the national average. Fortunately the dog eats the dogs biscuits, the Dogg doesn’t.

• The ‘school’ runs a very good breakfast club and the size of the portions can be deduced by looking at grandad’s waistline.

• After school activities include jumping on nanna’s bed and throwing stones into the water butt. There is a seemingly endless supply of stones around the garden to accommodate such an activity and also a big bucket of stones that only Fred Flintstone would be proud of for added excitement around the water butt.

• Team leaders and managers are by far the best money can buy. Pupils at the ‘school’ are very content although prone to the odd wobbler.

• Language skills are progressing very well with no signs of the more colourful chat due to a very well controlled carer – usually.

This concludes my report for grandaddydaycare on this occasion and our overall rating for this establishment is: 1

Inspection grades: 1 is the dogs doodahs, 2 is good/ok, 3 is just about satisfactory, 4 is rubbish

After Mr Teddy went home, we went to go for a little walk with Millie but she didn’t want to go so we didn’t. Instead we went into the garden to throw those big stones in the water butt. They were brilliant, the splashes went over into Pete’s next door!!! Millie came out and chased me and grandad around the garden like she always does before I went into my kitchen bit and made grandad a cup of muddy water tea.

Grandad took me home in the big car today but we had to go through the car wash first. Daddy once told grandad that I liked the car wash and when the man put the broom and power washing thing over it, I laughed lots and lots. The man tried to get me but the window stopped the water until I pressed the lectrik button next to my seat. The window went down, the water went in and grandad went ballistic!!! Good job the sOf-Ted man had gone home and not seen grandad now!!! We then went through the proper washy bit and I didn’t like it but grandad said it was too late as there was only one way out now.

After it was washed, dried and sparkling, we drove the car home to see mummy. I took off my shoes as soon as I got in and I hung my jacket up on the floor. Mummy asked me to take a look at the stairs and they were all fluffy!!! My feet sunk into the carpet and it felt all nice and warm. I showed grandad my new bus bed for the hundredth time before it was time to send grandad home.

In the next few weeks, we’re hoping to go on a trip to Swindon to see the rellies but it all depends on what time the UPS man comes with mummy’s new delivery.

Laters...............

Dogg